Tag: Performative Politics

• “Thank You for Your Service, Now Please Leave the Building”

  TL;DR (Too Legal; Didn’t Read)

  Trump is fighting lawfare by waging a war on lawyers. You couldn’t script it better—unless, of course, you were sued for doing so.

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  Imagine being one of America’s most prestigious law firms, polished to within an inch of your Ivy League lives, and suddenly discovering that your biggest liability isn’t malpractice… it’s having once hired a bloke Donald Trump doesn’t like.

  Enter Jenner & Block: Lawyers who are so classy they probably monogram their subpoenas. Unfortunately, they also once employed Andrew Weissmann, the prosecutorial equivalent of garlic to Trump’s vampire ego. Now, the firm’s been banished from federal buildings, and their attorneys need clearance just to get into the loo. Trump’s team insists it’s about “partisan lawfare,” but to the untrained eye, it looks suspiciously like revenge—served cold and stapled to an executive order.

  Perkins Coie and the Case of the Ghost of Hillary Past

  Perkins Coie had the misfortune of existing anywhere near Hillary Clinton in 2016, which, in MAGA land, is grounds for eternal suspicion. The executive order aimed at them reads like a paranoid thriller: accusations of dodgy hiring, whispers of the Steele dossier, and the kind of conspiratorial tone normally reserved for late-night talk radio.

  Luckily for them, a judge intervened before Trump’s pen could fully erase their access passes. Still, there’s no mistaking the message: represent the wrong client, and you might find yourself litigating from the car park.

  Paul Weiss – Folded Like a Deck Chair on a Superyacht

  Now, Paul Weiss. Once a towering presence in the legal world, now reduced to performing acts of legal community service for the White House like a teenager caught spray-painting Parliament.

  To stay out of trouble, they coughed up $40 million in pro bono work to Trump-approved causes and quietly ditched their DEI policies like someone hiding the evidence at a crime scene. Over 100 former partners promptly burst into public outrage, declaring the firm had handed over its spine for safekeeping.

  It’s like watching a lion trade its roar for a polite meow—out of fear the zookeeper might frown.

  The Executive Order Assembly Line: Now With Extra Vengeance

  Each executive order reads like a political hit list with footnotes. Security clearances are revoked. Federal contracts are threatened. Accusations of “weaponised lawfare” are scribbled across the margins in what one assumes is very large Sharpie handwriting.

  The justification? These firms dared challenge the Trump administration, investigate Trump himself, or—heaven forbid—hire someone who believed in diversity. DEI is now the acronym that dares not speak its name, with firms stealthily deleting webpages like naughty children hiding sweets before dinner.

  Up to 15 firms are said to be next in line. There is no confirmation yet, but apparently, owning a copy of the Mueller Report is enough to get you on the naughty list.

  The Chill in the Courthouse Air

  Some say this is just Trump being Trump—loud threats, little follow-through. Others see the beginnings of a legal purge, where loyalty trumps legality and courtroom independence is an optional extra.

  The American Civil Liberties Union isn’t amused. “Despotic” was their choice of word. Not “concerning.” Not “troubling.” Despotic. They’ve gone full thesaurus, and you only do that when you think democracy’s about to be mugged in a back alley.

  Reality Check

  President Trump has issued executive orders in 2025 targeting firms like Jenner & Block, Perkins Coie, and Paul Weiss. These actions are tied to the firms’ prior involvement in investigations related to Trump, diversity policies, or litigation against the government. Critics have labelled the measures authoritarian, and the legal community remains divided.

  The Dream That Definitely Happened—perhaps

  The following account is entirely imaginary. We have no way of knowing if this dream ever took place, but if it did, it would be a great dream—maybe the best dream…

  So I walk into the Oval Office—very presidential, very historic—and I say, “Let’s make law great again.” You wouldn’t believe what I saw. These law firms? Total disasters. Weak lawyers. Overrated. So I sign an executive order—BOOM—Paul Weiss folds like Mitt Romney on a bad day. Forty million dollars in pro bono. I said, “Make it fifty,” but they cried. Very emotional people, these lawyers.

  Then I look at Perkins Coie—remember them? Crooked Hillary’s favourite. I said, “No more security clearances for fake news lawyers!” A judge tried to block it—probably appointed by Obama, terrible judge—but we’re winning. We’re always winning.

  And Jenner & Block? Never heard of them, but someone told me they hired the Mueller guy. Terrible guy, Weissmann. So I said, “Get them out. No clearances. No contracts. Nothing.” People loved it. The military cheered. Someone brought cake. It was beautiful.

  We’re not just draining the swamp—we’re draining the law firms now. Some people said it couldn’t be done. Those people are unemployed. Sad!

  Biglaw Meets Big Grudge: Trump’s Legal Purge Begins

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  Mar 26

• The Land of the Free… Unless You Play Bass

  TL;DR (Too Loud; Didn’t Rock)

  UK Subs’ punk rebellion meets US immigration: 3 bandmates detained, deported, and denied wine—Trump-era chaos with pot noodles and no sleep.

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  It’s not every day that a septuagenarian punk gets deported for, well, punking. But in March 2025, Los Angeles International Airport became the setting for the least glamorous tour stop in UK Subs history—complete with cold floors, confiscated passports, and the sort of culinary offerings that would make Gregg’s pasty look like haute cuisine.

  Bassist Alvin Gibbs, guitarist Marc Carrey, and drummer Stefan Häublein found themselves abruptly upgraded to the “deported guest experience,” locked in what was kindly described as a “very cold holding pen” with all the charm of a Soviet-era bus station. Meanwhile, frontman Charlie Harper breezed through immigration like the world’s least suspicious pensioner, oblivious to the chaos unfolding behind him.

  Visa Schmisa and the Mysterious “Other Issue”

  According to immigration officials—those famed arbiters of musical taste—Gibbs and co. had the wrong visa. Naturally, but that wasn’t all. There was also an “undisclosed issue,” which is the sort of vague bureaucratic threat you’d expect to hear in a dystopian novel or, indeed, at any American airport post-2016.

  Now, Gibbs, ever the punk, couldn’t help but wonder aloud if perhaps his “less than flattering” remarks about a particular orange president had anything to do with his sudden status as persona non grata. Was it the punk ethos that did it? Or had the Department of Homeland Security developed a new policy titled “No Mohawks Beyond This Point”?

  A Festival Without the Band, a Gig Without the Musicians

  Back in LA, Harper soldiered on at the Punk Invasion festival, performing with a patchwork of fill-in musicians. It was like a tribute band to a band that wasn’t dead yet. The UK Subs became the UK Substitutes. Still, the show went on, which is more than can be said for the bandmates locked up with pot noodles and fluorescent lighting.

  The Flight of Shame – Tea, No Sympathy, and Definitely No Booze

  After 25 hours of detainment, the deported trio were packed off back to Britain like unwanted Amazon parcels. United Airlines denied Gibbs a sniff of alcohol, quoting company policy for “escorted passengers,” apparently. One assumes that includes suspected terrorists, exiled punks, and anyone who once rhymed “Trump” with “swamp.”

  No Country for Old Punks

  Upon returning, Gibbs expressed a strange blend of bewilderment and pride. “Kind of proud to be thrown out of America at 67,” he declared, like a punk rock pensioner collecting deportation badges. It’s not exactly Woodstock, but being ejected by Uncle Sam for alleged political insolence might be the most on-brand moment in UK Subs’ four-decade history.

  Reality Check

  Three members of UK Subs—Alvin Gibbs, Marc Carrey, and Stefan Häublein—were detained and deported from LAX in March 2025. The official reasons were visa issues and an undisclosed concern. Gibbs speculated that his past criticism of Donald Trump might have played a role. The band missed their LA performance, though vocalist Charlie Harper performed with substitute musicians. Gibbs was denied alcohol on his flight home and later posted about the incident on Facebook.

  The Dream That Definitely Happened—perhaps

  The following account is entirely imaginary. We have no way of knowing if this dream ever took place, but if it did, it would be a great dream—maybe the best dream…

  So these guys—foreign guys, okay? British or something, one of them might have been Scottish, who knows—they land at MY airport, and they think they’re going to play music. Loud, angry, weird music, not even good music. And I said, “No thank you.” We don’t need more noise. We’ve got Kid Rock, we’re all set. So I told Border Patrol, “Put them in the coldest room we have. Give them tea, they’ll love that, they’re British!” And one of them tried to get wine on the flight home. Not on my watch! Total losers. America wins again.

  Punk’d at the Border – Uncle Sam Throws a Tantrum

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  Mar 22