“Thank You for Your Service, Now Please Leave the Building”
TL;DR (Too Legal; Didn’t Read)
Trump is fighting lawfare by waging a war on lawyers. You couldn’t script it better—unless, of course, you were sued for doing so.
Imagine being one of America’s most prestigious law firms, polished to within an inch of your Ivy League lives, and suddenly discovering that your biggest liability isn’t malpractice… it’s having once hired a bloke Donald Trump doesn’t like.
Enter Jenner & Block: Lawyers who are so classy they probably monogram their subpoenas. Unfortunately, they also once employed Andrew Weissmann, the prosecutorial equivalent of garlic to Trump’s vampire ego. Now, the firm’s been banished from federal buildings, and their attorneys need clearance just to get into the loo. Trump’s team insists it’s about “partisan lawfare,” but to the untrained eye, it looks suspiciously like revenge—served cold and stapled to an executive order.
Perkins Coie and the Case of the Ghost of Hillary Past
Perkins Coie had the misfortune of existing anywhere near Hillary Clinton in 2016, which, in MAGA land, is grounds for eternal suspicion. The executive order aimed at them reads like a paranoid thriller: accusations of dodgy hiring, whispers of the Steele dossier, and the kind of conspiratorial tone normally reserved for late-night talk radio.
Luckily for them, a judge intervened before Trump’s pen could fully erase their access passes. Still, there’s no mistaking the message: represent the wrong client, and you might find yourself litigating from the car park.
Paul Weiss – Folded Like a Deck Chair on a Superyacht
Now, Paul Weiss. Once a towering presence in the legal world, now reduced to performing acts of legal community service for the White House like a teenager caught spray-painting Parliament.
To stay out of trouble, they coughed up $40 million in pro bono work to Trump-approved causes and quietly ditched their DEI policies like someone hiding the evidence at a crime scene. Over 100 former partners promptly burst into public outrage, declaring the firm had handed over its spine for safekeeping.
It’s like watching a lion trade its roar for a polite meow—out of fear the zookeeper might frown.
The Executive Order Assembly Line: Now With Extra Vengeance
Each executive order reads like a political hit list with footnotes. Security clearances are revoked. Federal contracts are threatened. Accusations of “weaponised lawfare” are scribbled across the margins in what one assumes is very large Sharpie handwriting.
The justification? These firms dared challenge the Trump administration, investigate Trump himself, or—heaven forbid—hire someone who believed in diversity. DEI is now the acronym that dares not speak its name, with firms stealthily deleting webpages like naughty children hiding sweets before dinner.
Up to 15 firms are said to be next in line. There is no confirmation yet, but apparently, owning a copy of the Mueller Report is enough to get you on the naughty list.
The Chill in the Courthouse Air
Some say this is just Trump being Trump—loud threats, little follow-through. Others see the beginnings of a legal purge, where loyalty trumps legality and courtroom independence is an optional extra.
The American Civil Liberties Union isn’t amused. “Despotic” was their choice of word. Not “concerning.” Not “troubling.” Despotic. They’ve gone full thesaurus, and you only do that when you think democracy’s about to be mugged in a back alley.
Reality Check
President Trump has issued executive orders in 2025 targeting firms like Jenner & Block, Perkins Coie, and Paul Weiss. These actions are tied to the firms’ prior involvement in investigations related to Trump, diversity policies, or litigation against the government. Critics have labelled the measures authoritarian, and the legal community remains divided.
The Dream That Definitely Happened—perhaps
The following account is entirely imaginary. We have no way of knowing if this dream ever took place, but if it did, it would be a great dream—maybe the best dream…
So I walk into the Oval Office—very presidential, very historic—and I say, “Let’s make law great again.” You wouldn’t believe what I saw. These law firms? Total disasters. Weak lawyers. Overrated. So I sign an executive order—BOOM—Paul Weiss folds like Mitt Romney on a bad day. Forty million dollars in pro bono. I said, “Make it fifty,” but they cried. Very emotional people, these lawyers.
Then I look at Perkins Coie—remember them? Crooked Hillary’s favourite. I said, “No more security clearances for fake news lawyers!” A judge tried to block it—probably appointed by Obama, terrible judge—but we’re winning. We’re always winning.
And Jenner & Block? Never heard of them, but someone told me they hired the Mueller guy. Terrible guy, Weissmann. So I said, “Get them out. No clearances. No contracts. Nothing.” People loved it. The military cheered. Someone brought cake. It was beautiful.
We’re not just draining the swamp—we’re draining the law firms now. Some people said it couldn’t be done. Those people are unemployed. Sad!